I can’t believe that my baby is a month old. I feel like it was yesterday that I was running in circles, pouring amniotic fluid all over my bathroom floor. I can still vividly remember laying on the hospital bed, hearing Dave Matthews while they are sawing me open. I’ll never forget his first cry. It went by so fast..
I recently started to miss my belly. I look at maternity pictures, and find myself rubbing where he used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am elated for him to be out for a number of reasons, but there is no way to describe how it felt for him to be in there.
The good news is, that in my 25lb weight gain, I have lost 30! I have a whole different respect for my body, basically because it feels different. I feel…better. No blood sugar problems, My body is still a little sore from time to time, but its been 4 weeks. I played softball for the first time last weekend. It was hot as hell 107 degrees, and I forgot how to run. My first hit I faceplanted in the batters box. After that, I still tried to run, but I kept stumbling. I have no balance whatsoever.
I’m also back in the gym. Its weird to me that people worry that I will hurt myself. I feel fine. But, I think maybe I think its strange because no one seemed to worry about my physical state before. I assumed I could do everything, but obviously after 9 months of carting around Blake I have to retrain myself, slowly.
Blake is amazing. Everything he does makes me melt. He gazes at me like I’m the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, and it fills me with something I can’t even describe with words. People warned me in the beginning how tired I would be, I am sometimes, but we got a sleepy baby. He cries when he’s hungry, or when he is getting his diaper changed. When his weiner is covered up and a bottle is in his mouth, his doe eyes are back, and it’s like he didn’t spend 4 minutes screaming while I was changing him and warming his bottle.
Randy is doing really well with him. I feel bad because I critique everything that he does, mainly because I want it all done the way I do it. I have started training myself to just not watch him when he changes Blake’s diaper. I do check later, and he is getting a lot better! Our biggest problem was co-sleeping. I don’t want Blake to sleep in bed with us because I can picture a 2 year old down the road refusing to sleep in his ‘big boy bed’ and us being that couple with a 37lb child sleeping between us.. I just got Achilles out of there, for the love of God. In the end, I can see that Randy enjoys him there. I have control of everything else, so I guess I can let this go. When we start putting him in his crib I will be more adamant, but while he is in the bassinet I’ll just deal with the fact that he is there. It’s not like he is just laying there in between us where someone can roll over on him. He is actually secured in a Boppy pillow, and he hasn’t started moving yet.
A lot of people ask how he sleeps. He probably sleeps 3-5 hours at a time. He gets a burst of energy from about 6-10, where he hangs out with us for a while, then sleeps till one, then wakes up again around 4:30 or 5. Then wakes up again around 7 or 8, which is when I decide to get out of bed. At first Randy and I were switching nights with him until I realized that Randy never does the second feeding because he is already at work. How it took me a month to figure out is beyond me. I also was always doing the first feeding. So basically on Randy’s ‘night’ he sometimes didn’t have to wake up with him at all. So now Randy will always do the first feeding, then I will do the 4am. Not that it matters because I will be up to pump anyways.
I am trying to stretch that out as long as I can mentally handle. Living my life around a little machine is tedious. I yield quite a bit, and have filled up our freezer with literally hundreds of bags of milk in a month. I know its the best thing for him, and its free, so I am doing my best to hang in there, but I will probably stop in a month or two. Pumping at work sucks.
Next week he goes to his sitter. Someone else will be feeding him all day. Not cool. I can’t even fathom what I’ll do if he comes home smelling like her. Hopefully whatever it is I won’t go to prison for it. I’ve been working part time, and will go full time eventually. As much as I missed work, I just can’t imagine spending all day without him. He actually comes with me and Randy picks him up around 3. Even though its distracting for him to be here sometimes, I hate to see him go.
Developmentally, I don’t see a lot. But what I do see impresses me. He grabs my shirt. He makes a lot of noises, that I have started to pick up on. He can focus on things for a little while too. He also likes music. I sing to him a lot, and he seems to love it.
He looks different every day. His eyes are starting to turn hazel, and his hair is getting lighter, dare I say, gingery? He is so beautiful. I finally can see a bit of me in him, sometimes I can see my little brother. I take a million pictures of him every day, so eventually he will start to pose when he sees me put a camera in his face. He smiles, and makes a face like he is blowing kisses. To anyone else, its gas. To me, its more miraculous than Stonehenge.
I am so impressed with him that I take him out in public and take victory laps in Target or wherever so more people can see him and tell me how beautiful he is. I of course feign modesty and thank them. I take slight offense when people don’t tell me that he’s beautiful. I just assume that they didn’t see him or something.
While I want people to look at him, I still don’t like to see people hold or touch him. Well, it’s not that bad. I think I don’t mind people holding him as long as they don’t seem to force their will upon me or him. It’s more of a neurotic control. Like, if someone gives me unsolicited advice on him, or if I can smell them, I probably won’t want them to hold him without me being present, and I’ll probably scowl the whole time. I also am weird about people picking him up while he naps. I don’t even do that anymore, and while watching him sleep is a fantastic thing, I don’t want to have to hold him all the time because of it.
I can’t wait to see what he does in his second month. I’m sure that it will be another 4 weeks of me being impressed with his burps, dirty diapers, and gas smiles.