I’m back at work. I don’t think I would enjoy being a housewife forever, but I know for damn sure that I wish I was one right now. I like my job, but I like watching my baby grow more. I have finally stopped ugly crying every time that I dropped him off at the sitter, for about two weeks I would drive in circles around my office trying to calm myself down before I went inside, so I would come into work like an hour or two late. All I can think about is how I only have about 2 hours with him every day when some woman gets him all afternoon. It’s not even like she is a bad person, I love their entire family, actually. Blake loves being there, and I know he is progressing well. Her granddaughter adores Blake and calls him her brother. When people refer to him as ‘theirs’ I cringe inside. He is the greatest part of my life, and everyone loves him more than they will ever love me. I don’t really think that bothers me,but I can’t really pinpoint what about it does.
Maybe it does bother me a little bit that people greet my baby before me and expect me to hand him over before they even notice that I’m carrying him. It’s like he floats midair, an invisible person feeds, bathes, and puts him to sleep every night. That invisible person also washes his bottles every day and gets him ready for the day. The invisible person also pumps an astronomical amount of milk every three hours, but only gets to feed him at night and early morning. I wish I could just have him to myself without feeling guilty for not wanting to hand him over to everyone else. I’ve been told by more than one person that I HAVE to share him. I don’t have to do anything at all, but I do. I hate the resentment I feel after hearing that. I wish I could just be that person who just is okay with never having time alone with him. I can’t even pretend to be okay with it. I just look like an angry bitch all the time.
I know that no one actually wants to replace me as his mother, but it bothers me to the point of possible medication that I spend five days a week away from him. She told me that he laughed and I wanted to punch her in the stomach because I have only seen him smile a few times. That sounds bad, I feel like I was punched in the stomach. In fact, I almost prefer that no one tell me about what he does with them because I feel like I am missing out. I feel like I am missing out on everything, and there is nothing I can do
I really hope someone else feels the same way that I do, I know everyone who is in contact with me in his presence thinks I’m probably a lunatic and they seem to tread lightly around me. Blake is breathtaking in my eyes, and I feel like how animals feel with their babies, they don’t want people touching them, getting their scent on them and everything. When I express my feelings to a close friend who is also a mother she tells me that letting him around people is a good thing, so that he doesn’t become that kid who cries when I leave him, and one day I will want to. She is rational and I trust everything that she says, so I have to repeat it to myself whenever I start to get upset.
Last weekend I went to a bachelorette party. I was super excited, and telling myself that I needed a night out. Randy was 30 minutes away from our suite, and I was supposed to stay the night.. Around 1030 I texted Randy telling him that I would be coming back to Bixby that night to stay with them. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. Not even close.
My weightloss has stopped at 168, which is the smallest I’ve been in years. I went from a size 14 to 10. I need to work out but I can’t before work because I have the baby, and I can’t after work because I wouldn’t get to see him. So I am stuck there, and paying for a gym membership that I can’t see myself using because I don’t have enough hours in the day. I have been considering going at lunch, and have gone a couple times but it’s only an hour, and I need two to do cardio and lift weights. Plus I would have to shower.
Basically my biggest struggle with motherhood, actually my only struggle is taking time for myself and letting other people enjoy him. I’m a huge ‘look don’t touch’ person.. It’s not with everyone, and it’s not all the time, but it is often,unfortunately.
I keep telling myself to start going to the gym after he goes to bed around eight, but then that means I will have to be up even later cleaning his bottles and getting him ready for the sitter the next day. I also would like to hang out with Randy at some point, but in reality he goes to sleep when Blake does, so I’m pretty much up doing stuff by myself till I go to sleep at ten or eleven when I finally wind down, so I should just force myself out of the house. Maybe I’ll try tonight.