we found out that Blake was a boy, my dreams of ruffles and ostentatious bows came to a screeching halt. The tea parties that I had planned were now cancelled, as well as the dream of finally owning every Barbie accessory, car, and house. I got over everything rather quickly, and began preparing the life of a future mama’s boy.
Instead of bows and ruffles, I bought clothes that would make him look like a tiny man, and onesies with the most inappropriate artwork to express my personality and interests. I opted out of Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh clothes. He came home from the hospital in a Cobra Kai onesie.
I also purchased Wu Tang Clan and ODB onesies. I’m sure people thought I was crazy, but when he is a teenage boy keeping secrets from his lame mother who monitors his internet activity and comes across some pictures, I want him to know the kind of person I was.
I’ll tell him about the day I posted him in this adorable outfit on Twitter and it was immediately retweeted by Ghostface Killah, who called him a Wu Poster Baby. It was seriously one of the best Fridays ever.
I’m going to have to make a lot of changes, not only in my lifestyle but demeanor. I baby talk to him like crazy. I immerse myself into being a mama that I worry that the old Shannon that I know and love won’t emerge when the time is right. It’s bad enough that I wake up after drinking four beers and proclaim that I never want to drink again. That was a warm-up for me back in my old days. I like the person that I’ve become, but I never want to forget who I was.
I knew before he came that I was about to say goodbye to a lot of habits and mannerisms. At some point in the future, I should be a respectable, strong and confident woman who set an example for him. I want him to always trust that he can come to me for anything, no matter what it is. I want him to know that despite the woman that he sees today, I was much different before he came.
I want him to know that most of my life I have only truly been able to express myself through words, sometimes rambling, long-winded essays that eventually got to the point. When he is an angry teenager thinking about how lame I am, I also want him to know these things:
- I used to use a lot of profanity. I probably still use it when you aren’t around, and you probably won’t hear me say anything inappropriate until you are old enough to drink with us.
- When I’m fifty I may not listen to anything with large amounts of profanity anymore, I may even get uncomfortable when I hear it in front of you, but at one time in my life, I was yelling loudly, “Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin to f with”.
- I have a vast t-shirt collection that your father forbids me to wear.
- I was very strong and athletic. If you don’t believe me, I have a state championship ring that I can show you, as well as a number of trophies and medals.
- I was the girl who never apologized for being myself, and I never will.
- I have a career and a life that I love. I have your father to thank for that.
- Before you, I fearlessly wandered about in a darkened haze before I met your father.I finally felt real fear around the same time that I felt real love, and through him, I chose love instead.
- I have seen a lot in my life, so I won’t judge you for whatever it is that you do. But I will punish you accordingly.
I also hope that if he ever gets anything from seeing the two of us interact is that our love and respect for each other deepens each day because he is with us. He is the biggest blessing in our life, and the glue that will forever hold our family together.