I went into my weigh-in this morning feeling apprehensive, but I kept telling myself everything that I accomplished.
My blood sugar is nearly stabilized, and I am incredibly strong. and I am willingly running farther than I have since I was a teenager.
After shedding shoes and as much clothing as I could without being naked it’s revealed that I have lost 2 pounds in a month. I can’t begin to describe how disappointed I am. Disappointed in my progress, disappointed in my body for not thriving as I expected.
I tried to tell myself that I weigh heavier than I look, and to ignore the numbers, just focus on the measurements. Then I was hit with a ton of bricks. Some places I have actually gotten larger, and others there was no change at all.. I kept track of my runs for the past ten days and I have logged in just under 30 miles. I had a shoulder injury that kept me from lifting weights since Monday,but I still work out. As for eating, that’s great, I have my blood sugar levels to show for that.
HOW did this happen? Am I having a nightmare? I am doing everything right, yet nothing happened the way I planned. I gave up wine, melted butter and sleeping in for this?
Unsure of how I could even let people know that despite my six, sometimes seven-day workout weeks know of my failure (yes, I see this as a personal failure and there is nothing anyone can do to change that), I locked myself in my office and ugly cried for about 20 minutes. I contemplated having a ‘roided out tantrum like I have seen on after school specials where I rip everything that’s on walls off of the walls, and throw everything from my desk into the walls. I thought about punching holes into my door, but my freakishly small hands wouldn’t do much damage. I could have easily blamed it on a child.
This is probably where people say, screw it. If my body won’t accept the changes that I’m trying to make, then why change? Why wake up so early, exert myself before I even go to work, then stare longingly at unopened bottles of wine in our wine rack after a long day? Why even try to better myself if I get no immediate results? Why am I abstaining from so much to get so little in return? I can’t even hold my baby with my left arm because of my shoulder, but I’m still going through it. WHY?
Two measly pounds. My husband can lose that after a 15 minute bathroom session.
I can’t even begin to understand why I am fitting smaller clothes. How is it even possible that my wedding rings are sliding around and my pants are baggy if there is no significant change?
My body’s betrayal has made me question everything. Are people blowing smoke when they tell me that I look great, did I just imagine that I was changing this whole time? I feel like every compliment that I received was not only undeserved, but fabricated.
Everything but actually quitting. While I am still toying with the idea of destroying everything I can reach, I don’t want to stop waking up early to run and train. I don’t even like taking days off. I love what I’m doing, and it’s really all that I have to myself anymore. I need it. I just want my progress noticeable, because I am working as hard as I say I am. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m lying or cheating on my workouts and eating habits. I know that reclaiming my health and body isn’t easy, and obviously an hour and a half a day isn’t enough.
I am going to consider this past month my warmup. I’m prepping for something bigger and better. This month is where I really focus on what I want to get better, with more specific routines to target each area. The good thing is that I know what doesn’t work for me.
Is there anyone else out there that is getting slow results? I’m really not interested in discussing what I’m doing wrong or right, I just want to know that I’m not alone.
I feel a little better, slightly less defeated, but I still want to have a steroid tantrum.